If I Was An Okie...la la la la la la la la la la la la la
If I was an Okie...these are the things I would do to prove myself...as I am NOT an Okie, you can never prove that i have done any of them...ha!
a. Tin foil on the windows of your house because you cannot afford blinds or air conditioning (outside)...Sheets and towels hung (and by hung i mean: nailed) to the inside of the windows for the drapey-arab-chic look...
b. I swear this is real: an upside mop tied to a young tree to stake it into the ground...as if the stake is not embarressing enough, we had to tie it to the tree with strips of plastic garbage bag...and THEN we had to roll our eyes in disbelief at the thought of duct taping the "stake" (mop) to the tree. (that would just be silly).
c. using the silverware holder from the INSIDE of the dishwasher as a functional silverware separating system...in case i am not explaining this correctly: remove the full-clean silverware holder from the inside of the dishwasher and simply set it in it's entirety INSIDE the cabinet. wa-laa, instant silverware holder.
d. not to get too harpy about there being nothing on the windows but foil and sheets and towels...but i need to point out that we have three (THREE!!) functional garden hose holder reel thingies...one out front (tan to match the dirt on the house), one out back (enormous four wheel suspension for all the "off road gardening" we do) and one in the garage...JUST IN CASE...because in the event that we never learn how to use our sprinkler system, we may need to water the entire lot every single day. hoses: three, blinds: none.
e. home dermabrasion system: we have a jacuzzi bathtub with the little jet thingies, right? each time i turn them on, no less than one entire castle worth of sand blows out onto my legs and inside my butt, "other" and "nether" regions. i cannot get it out. i cannot make it stop. i have acknowledged firmer, more radiant skin on my thighs and booty.
f. the fridge we had to buy to match the rest of the kitchen appliances has a very fancy (read: expensive) water filtration system that makes the water taste like something that includes a smidge of rubber and a splash of radioactivity. we have another (better) cheaper water filter on the faucet...order of events: across kitchen for glass, cross to fridge for ice (which oddly tastes perfectly normal), cross to sink for water, then ration it to yourself so you dont have to do it all over again.
home ownership is lovely if you can get past the part where you feel like a visiting stranger, and having all your things in boxes and no air conditioning (although that was resolved after only a few days thank god.) and your yard eating up your entire life...i swear i am getting a yard boy--there will be nothing desperate about THIS housewife!!
