Andi Pandi

I am sitting at my desk trying not to puke. 

Well meaning stranger: "How far along are you?"

Me: "14 weeks" 

Stranger: "You should be over the morning sickness by now"

Me: "thanks for that..." and then I mumble obscenity under my breath.

I especially love it when they nod and smile and say "you're having a girl then..."  like it even matters when you can barely pull your head out of the toilet...It could come out with four arms, I would still spank it for putting me through this.

"But it is beautiful, the miracle.....and stuff"

I have discussed in some detail the "miracle" and I wish to death that people would stop saying that to me.

Two nights ago i was sitting on my couch sipping (very slowly) a chocolate shake from Braums...yummy, right?  Yes, yes it was...until all of a sudden I decided to projectile vomit it all over my coffee table.  I managed to get my hand up to my mouth in that split second,  and it acted like a sprinkler, sending vomit-lets scattering all over, including up my nose.

My dog? loved it.  It was like a chocolate milkshake shower for her...Like God himself had planned it out for her...

So...yesterday sucked...after three days of liquid coming out of my mouth and ass, I called my OB in total dispair...and she said "get theyself to the ER and get some fluids and tummy medicine"...So, all I can think of is a hot, stuffy waiting room full of homeless people and schizophrenics and  Medicaid moms who are taking their kids there for check-ups and I just thought: no.  NO, i am not going to go and mingle with these people and get God knows what else in addition to my vomiting and explosive diarrhea...I will take my chances...And then I remembered: Duh. I work in a clinic.

A few phone calls later and I was laying in one of our rooms and the nicest nurses ever were all holding my hands and sitting and chatting with me...(One nurse did pull out a needle that looked the size of a slurpee-straw, but I was actually too sick to even flinch)...So they put the little IV in and gave me a shot of the yummy tummy medicine and I think I started to feel a little better.  They actually wrapped a blood pressure cuff (sphygmomanometer to you geniuses out thre) around the bag of fluids and squeezed them into my arm.

All the while all the nice ladies from work came and kept me company and held my hand, and brought me magazines...I was totally spoiled...for someone with a pipeline sized needle in their arm anyway...

Oh... the fucking miracle of pregnancy.

The real miracle is that you somehow survive it.

It is a miracle of physics that I can simultaneously lose weight but get bigger.

It is a miracle that my body is able to sustain itself on suckie candies and tea.

It is a miracle that I am able to throw up even after I am physically empty.

It is a miracle that any man on earth sticks around to witness this. (i love you, steve)

It is a miracle that anyone has more than one child.

It is a miracle that I have not strangled the numerous women who say "I just loved being pregnant".

It is a miracle that I have any teeth remaining in my head from the avoidance of my toothbrush.

But dear internet, don't fret...I am happy to be pregnant...thrilled...elated....just ready to start feeling better so that I can start enjoying it.

Dear Miss Andi,

Why don't you ever blog anymore?

Because I am sick. Very sick and vomitous.  I started wretching into my purse in the car the other day because I was THAT sick.  Me no feely good.

But, you should blog about it and make it funny for all of US!

No.  I feel like monkey-shit and haven't been funny in weeks.  I will send you a personal notice and let you know when the funny is going to resume.

FUNNY. NOW. BITCH!

I can't do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!  The baby is zapping my funny and making me droll and boring.  I actually sit around and just moan sometimes for fun because everything about being slightly pregnant is so NON-fun right this minute.

The funny is coming, I swear...because there are actually some things that are funny like the fact that my toothbrush is my arch enemy and how I started crying at brunch when they ran out of dessert...(which btw, was totally unfair because I (CLEARLY) wanted one of those and everyone in there saw me staring longingly at it and that waiter should have known better than to fuck with the slightly preggo girl.

Friday is the scary doctor's appointment where we find out the results of all the scary blood work we sent in the last time we were there...eeep! So glad they didnt do a blood test for "two heads, three arms" because I seriously wouldnt' be able to handle the suspense of waiting for the results...

And what is the freaking deal with the Ultrasound Nazi's anyway?  How come I only get one or maybe two at best?  I should get to look at my little tadpole everysinglefreaking time i go in there!  EXpecially if i have to wait an hour in the lobby.  and WHY, OH WHY do they claim that they are so expensive?  My doctor's ultrasound machine was built in 1960 from left over commador 64 parts, and has obviously been paid off for decades, so why does it cost like hundreds of dollars to have her smear KY all over my tummy and hold this little wand there?  That is just wrong.

It should cost like ten dollars.  If I were a genius I would buy a NEW (shocking, I know) ultrasound machine and get a kiosk in the mall.  I could charge like 50 bucks and everysingle freaking pregnant chic that walked by would pay me just to say "hi" to their fetus.  Plus, the machine would totally pay for itself and I could make extra money on the side printing pictures and greeting cards and t-shirts...

I think i am totally on to something here....