Andi Pandi

Yesterday at work, it was Chili Cookoff Day! Yay!!  I stayed up late the night before frosting cupcakes in honor of this magical day. 

 I may  not have mentioned it before, but lately my ass has not been tolerating crap very well...Not very well at all...There was the Pei Wei incident on monday that left me damn near crippled in the ass department...I had to sprint Olympic-style to the bathroom within fifteen minutes of intake...What a total waste of seven dollars...

So, for chili day I started getting set by taking imodium early in the morning.  I was keeping the dang chili in my body by God.

The time came and I loaded up on some really chunky looking yummy chili.  And i ate the shit out of it and damn it, it was good!  It was awesome even...

And then one of the docs that I work with walked by and said "andi, i didnt know you liked deer chili".  DEER CHILI?  What What What?!?

This. Is. Not. Good.  All of a sudden I can taste Bambi's mom in my mouth.  I have been fooled!  Shouldn't you have to post a sign or something that says "I am trying to trick you into eating a CUTE animal" when you do that?  Why?  Why me? 

So I went to the bathroom and thought I would just eject it from my body, by whatever means necessary.  My freaking finger could have been two and a half feet long and tickling my diaphragm, that damn chili was staying put!

I go to my afternoon meeting.  And all I can do is sit there and burp and taste Bambi's mama every fifteen minutes.  Tic Tacs weren't helping.  Gum did nothing.  Diet Dr. Pepper seemed to just piss it off.

I ate nothing the rest of the day.  It was a moratorium on food in general.

Sorry Bambi...I didn't mean to.

I have figured out the perfect way to boss people around: horoscopes!!  (horrorscopes in this case!)  Enjoy!

Aries: Stop actin' like a fool and tell that freak in accounting that you wanna make sweet, sweet monkey love!

Taurus: Go on, keep bottling everything up and you'll end up like the Pink Mist described on last week's Grey's Anatomy.  How 'bout this? Talk.

Gemini: Stop being so dang jealous of everyone else's interesting lives and go do something worth a damn with your bad-self.  Start here: your hair!

Cancer: You just go around with your pointy little nose in everyon else's drama, don't you?  Good for you!  Now go and write a book with all that knowledge so I will have something to fall asleep reading.

Leo: Leo, the big lovah!  Lover of your own self!  Stop prancing around in front of the mirror and go do somthing nice for someone else!

Virgo: I think you are so pretty!  You have the best taste and are so lovely and non-confrontational to be around...Don't change a thing...except your sheets.

Libra: Persistant to the very end, aren't you?  How about you let up offa some people and let the chips (fritos?) lay where they land?

Scorpio: You been hiding out?  Why don't you come outta that hermetic shelter you been hiding in and say hi?

Sagittarius:  You think you know where to find all the deals in town huh?  Well you bettah watch your back sista-friend because some one is about to rob you blind!

Capricorn: You so special because you were born near Christmas, just like Baby Jesus, huh?  Well I am tellin you that you are about as special as my toenail and you need to pull yourself right down outta the clouds! 

(I would like to amend this to note that the stars sent me a special "Sarah-ONLY" horrorscope: Ummm, you so pretty and you look 10 pounds skinnier today and I think that you are a geeeeeenius....there, the stars have spoken, I am merely the messenger....)

Aquarius:  You dang Control FREAK!!  You need to unbotton that top button and cut loose and have some fun girl!  You are not gonna catch yourself no man, no how if you don't come undone a little...go on, and let your weave down!

Pisces: Your new skirt is so pretty and makes your booty look sooo small...You loosin weight? Cause you look goooood!

If you made it this far, I will reward you with a picture of me and (again...sigh) someone else's baby:

From time to time, one may wonder "what DOES it take to send a man to the edge?"

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, well...this pantry is it.  Soup belongs with soup and rice-krispy treats should never be separated!  Here, the world is upside down and soup is run amok!

I was in a very big hurry, and the font is tiny...but you can see that fruits and vegetables are tangled up together!  Jelly is all over the place and rice is next to cereal...boxes no longer all on the right, cans no longer all on the left...IT IS A WORLD GONE MAD, I TELL YOU!

Cousin Chrissy and Leesie The Sissy are the mastermind geniuses behind this...I only hope he doesn't sue for "Wrongful ReOrganization"!

So, it is no mystery anymore that last week sucked and i am still mad about the following:

• I won't be able to go to vegas next month for my birthday because I used all of my vacation time as funeral leave.

• My cousin is going to have a baby around my birthday and SHE is a freaking baby and won't give it to me because people in FREAKING ILLINOIS are better than me.  i hate illinois.

Having said all of that...I made a list of the things in this world that make me happy and I am going to share them with you...you know...just in case you are having a shitty ass week like me...

1.  Crap Rap:  I play Kanye West's "Gold Digger" until the bass in my family-car makes my tummy upset. (and in case you are wondering, i do NOT bother to turn it down in bad parts of town, i am not skeeeeered!)

2.  Lip Gloss:  In times of turmoil, your lips are always there, why not treat them?  Chanel is a good choice, Spark is my favorite shade...

3.  Gas Station Nachos and a Coke with lots of ice:  Never fails to give me a much needed carb-high.

4.  Powerball tickets:  It could happen, right?  Even a little hope is still freaking hope.

5.  In times of total chaos I buy jewlery.  Nothing insanely expensive, but just something shiney to distract me.  I guess I really am descendent of a bird.

6.  Emily and Elise can both attest to the clothes-shopping free for all's I am known for...Remember the $170 dollar pants?  Yeah, me too, I keep them as a shrine to my tiny ass. (god knows, i will never wear them again)

7. In times of total dispair, I grab a stack of catalogs, something salty, something sweet, a bottle of water and I get in my bed and stay there...Sometimes this goes on for an entire day.  I have no guilt.  Nothing bad can happen to me in my big fluffy bed.

8.  I am editing this post to include the fact that I have no guilt at all about going in to the office of a mean doctor at work and stealing Diet Mt. Dew out of his little fridge.  No Guilt at all...as a matter of fact it feels FREAKING AWESOME.  some people don't deserve diet dew.

Take a moment and de-lurk and tell me what your non-guilty pleasure is...I need all the suggestions I can get right now...