Andi Pandi

I am blogging to you today from the comforts of the Honda dealership nearest me.  It is so cool!!  I was totally prepared to go sit in a tiny little chair in a waiting room covered in dust with a coffee pot in the corner that has coffee literally baked onto it.

Lucky day for the AndiPandi though...Just as i was lamenting forgetting a newspaper or candy wrapper or ANYTHING to read the nice lady at the little tiny cashier window thingie (why do they feel the need to be protected from me?  i want to reach through the little round hole and either lick them or poke them in the eye...either one) told me that i could go to the "information center" and play online!!  way cool right?

So what are my thoughts while i am in the dealership?

1.  Perhaps i should have gotten a four door car...i still could, but then i would look less sporty, but i think that maybe now i am just kidding myself and looking like someone who is TRYING to look sporty in a family car...maybe i ought to just suck it up and get the four door...

2.  my brake light wasn't working.  wanna know why? because it came unscrewed.  it is like my car can sense when i am feeling pretty competent and then it throws this shit at me just to teach me some humility in front of random greasy shop guys...

3.  i must say that i am actually pretty impressed with the shop guys here...most are clean, none so far have smelled badly and no one has called me ma'am yet...black eye to the first one that does.  I AM A MISS GOD DAMN IT!!!

4.  tomorrow is the weight watchers weigh in and by god, i am going to skip it.  i am not going to go.  i am starting my period tonight or tomorrow (god willing) and i am feeling all bloaty and icky and not wanting at all to be stepping on a scale.  the only problem is that you are only allowed to skip once...and the sucky part about that is that i am going to phx this week to see sissy and i am fairly certain i am going to eat like a total pig-woman, ahem, pig-girl while i am there...

5.  as a matter of fact, we have already discussed (in great detail i may add), all of the places we are going to eat while we are there.  one in particular makes fresh guacamole right at your table!! can you even believe it?  well, my opinion about that is the same as it is about liquor...if someone MAKES it for you...really puts their heart and soul into it...it would be RUDE to just leave it there and not consume every single drop (bite) of it...

6.  damn weight watchers nazis...i just know that this entire program is some sort of ethnic cleansing for fat people...if the starving doesn't kill us, the projectile shitting will.

7.  wow, this honda dealership has great lighting...my rings look sparkley and my eyes look sparkley and if i was a bird right now i would be totally amazed with all of the sparkles!!

No, I am not dead.  Although I may as well be...

1.  I moved this weekend out of one apartment (residence mentioned prevously--located near drug dealers who are mean to their dog), and into another (at lovely little place that has wine tastings once a month!!)

2.  Movers scheduled to arrive at nine am. 

3.  Movers actually arrive at 4 pm.  I dont even need to describe the movers...moving men are just born that way...like the teeth just never grew in and the tatoos have been there since the womb.

4.  Nothing was broken, tipped the movers.

5.  Mr. Adams offers movers a beer.

6.  Movers abscond with ALL beer.

7.  Unpacked enough boxes yesterday to find my bedding and my stack of 50 white washclothes (oh this is my favorite textile item right now...I buy tons and tons of them and then everytime i wash my hands or face or anything i can just get a new one and i feel totally spoiled.)

8.  Lovely Mr. Adams stays the night with me on my first night because he knows i will be scared to be there by myself...what a sweeeeetie...i swear he smelled like honey when i woke up this morning.

9.  New apartment looks like a dumping site for refuse packing materials. 

 

Packing Guy (with the fewest teeth): "uh, where do  you want these boxes" 

me: "Oh! I have written the room on the top and two sides of each box for you guys!"

P.G. "uh, we don't do that, we don't read"

me: "haha, okay guys, just put them in each room"

I walk into the apartment to find every single box (40?) stacked up in the dining room, hallway and kitchen.  Apparently, they were not kidding about the "not reading" part.  So a large portion of yesterday was spent schlepping boxes out of the dining room and into the room they sort of belong in.

10.  Going to see sister in AZ on thursday, which is gonna be hellacool, until i try to pack, because clothes are on every available surface of new apartment...if i was a wealthy woman, i would take a purse with a gold card in it and buy new everything...alas, i will dig through until i find all my crappy old navy t-shirts and call it a day.

11.  Weight Watchers nazi concentration camp diet is going fine...as long as ANAL LEAKAGE is considered fine.  i ate lettuce, tomatoes, green bell pepper and egg whites in a salad last night and it came outta my ass like a torpedo.  not good.  my sphinkter deserves better.

12.  I swear to god i am going to find out how to do a photo essay for you all...so you can see pictures of new apartment and fancy new carpeting!!

Sister: What is that thing called that the put inside your, you know...area?

Me: Errr...your husband?

Sister:  No, that thing!!  Blaine!  What is that thing called?

Brother in Law: Huh?

Me: OOOOOh, the thing...what IS that called?

Sister:  It looks like a duck billed platypus...

Me: A duck billed Twaticus?

Sister at this point cannot breathe for all of the laughter...then i start immitating Steve Erwin...

Me: This ere is a rare but beautiful creature from the gynocologic region of tanzania, the duck billed twaticus...carnivore from the swamp...

i am getting right to it today:

1.  i had to go and get our resident today from his office over in the neurosurgery building and i swear his receptionist thought i was crazy and was ready to sign me up for "random experimentation"...it was much funnier when i was living it, but needless to say they get enough crazies over there that they actually were suspicious when i said "i am here to get resident mike and take him for a ride".

2.  today i ate at kfc.  i got corn on the cob.  the juice leaked through the bag and made a hole...a cornhole...my feeble mind laughed at this for hours.  belly laughed.  hard hard laughter...

3.  had that icky nasty mole lanced from my face...at least three people have said "what mole?" but i totally knew it was there and i expect to look totally different when all the bandages come off...hahahah!!

4.  tomorrow: weigh in...i celebrated the insanity by having two ice cream sammiches with dinner tonight.  and by dinner i mean a cup of cheerios because these people enjoy fucking with me..."lets see how little she can eat and sustain a pulse, no?"

5.  have to be on time to work tomorrow. repeat: have to be on time to work tomorrow.

6.  jennifer in big brother house:  i am gonna mess you up sista...there is something to be said for you being a "professional" cheerleader...is like being a professional stabber in the backer.

7.  has been raining for five days here...stopped long enough last night for me to go for the fourteen mile bike ride of death, whereby my kooter-bone has suffered enormous damage in the fashion that i am unable to sit comfortably for several minutes at a time.  ankles however seem to be tolerating the pain fine.  great.  just great.

8.  oh please dont let this be one of those days when i can only think of seven...that blows...

9.  potential vaca on the horizon...perhaps...am very excited to swim with the dolphins!!  if i wouldn't inhale water and die, i would totally sing like ariel while i swam with them...as it is, i will try to stay alive to tell the tale...

10.the dog has determine that the allotted "not paying attention to the dog" time has run out...so you get seven...or eight-ish thoughts...not too shabby considering i usually only have one or two to spare!!

I suppose this is the beginning of the end for me really...i went to a going away lunch on friday, with the best intentions as far as dieting is concerned...and then...there was texas toast.  on the side of my plate...all buttery and grilled and garlicky and HOW, how i ask you, are you supposed to leave that alone?  so one bite lead to the whole thing and then i was like "oh, hell, i screwed up, gimme that chocolate cake!!"  and i actually ate the damn chocolate cake!  can you believe it?  and all of the frosting...and i thought i would throw up...but for once in almost four weeks, i was totally full...and it was awesome.  i had a bowl of cereal for dinner and then went to bed happy...was a great day.

then yesterday...again with the best intentions crap...decided to try a new italian place and swore to myself i would get a dried up shriveled little chicken breast with no flavor or sauce and make myself love it.  then there was the menu...sooooo many beautiful things in huge portions...and i got this tilapia with cream-crab sauce and potatoes and carrots and so much butter than as soon as i ate it, it all came sliding out of my ass...truth!  I ran to the potty and there was my dinner, but i was so happy to have eaten something yummy and non-weight watchers (read: not flavored with essence of styrofoam chest) that i just smiled, flushed my dinner and went out to finish it up!!  yippee for me!

on wednesday, skinny little ellen can bite me...i may not have lost this week, but by damn, i didnt try to kill anyone and eat them, so the week is a success overall.

kisses!

What?!  That was not vulgar!!

I have promised myself, and even though none of you know it, i have promised you also, that i will indeed figure out how to do a photo-journal entry sometime soon.  I know it has to be painful to just simply READ all the time...but this blogging stuff is hard and well, i am lazy and...well, i guess that is all.

I am wearing an orange plaid 50's style dress today.  I felt fairly confident when i left the house this morning, but when I arrived at work, realized I look like a member of the lollipop guild or something...It is just so bright and out there and...as predicted...the pounds i have slaved away at losing have gone missing from my chest and thus the dress is just sort of flopping about on my sternum...not a great choice for today it turns out...

I wear these sorts of things when I am certain that I am going to spend the majority of my time within the confines and security of my own office walls...It turns out though that today I had a couple meetings and a random pop-in by the King-Boss...Is turning out that this orange dress is sort of killing my confidence...

Which brings me to confidence...I have none.  I am not sure if we need further discussion about this or not, but I am just saying that there are very few ways to get less confident than i am...the up-side, however, is that I am a fabulicious actress...shivering in embarressment on the inside.

This morning was hectic as usual because 1) I am a moron and 2) it is my weigh in day at weight watchers and I am a neurotic mess...yes, it is true....I hate to burst your bubbles, lest you all believe I am totally put together and unphased...reality is I am held together with crazy-glue and a little gravity...

On my way into work this morning (late...sigh...) my boss was on her way out to take her eight year old to the dentist...this is the kind of kid you pray you have...he is all bright eyed and easy going and just cute as a bug...(cute as a cute-bug, not cute like a spider or a stink bug or something insideous like that)...

The little guy ran over to me and gave me a hug, that i swear, breathed a new life into me...I think i actually had some sort of epiphany right then...it was so innocent and mindless to him, and yet meant the world to me on this particular day of feeling frumpy and unloved...

Okay, I know i rarely get sentimental around here because i use sarcasm to mask well...everything...but i was so touched and comforted...that i have to tell you this story:

In january my sister and bro in law moved from rhode island to phoenix...I am going to point out right now that my sister lifts weights regularly, could bench her own husband and would be my first choice in a battle of strength against anyone...Also, she often does not realize her own brut strength...Also, she is afraid of puking...How can someone tougher than a Gotti be afraid of puke, i will never know, but alas...she is.

So on the plane ride out to phoenix my sister sees some old lady getting ready to puke...so she is all freaked out and stares (why do we do that?) until she realizes that this lady on the plane is actually choking!  So elise runs down the aisle and gives her a huge pound on her back, at which point the pill that is lodged in Old Lady's throat is dislodged and she again can return to breathing...It became known in our family as the Slap Of Life.  I am certain that Old Lady had a broken rib or two and likely a few spinal fractures from the force of the impact upon her back...but was so gracious to be alive to feel them, that she let it pass...

So sissy was a hero and was able to breathe new life into this reno native by a firm pounding...This little boy was able to breathe new life into me by a firm hug...

Shut up, it is the best analogy I could come up with.

Okay, so i had this fabulously long and informative entry about how i went for three bike rides last week and now it was all entirely uphill and how i lost my contact, choked on it, and ulitmately swallowed it....why i am called The Pants and matt's new stella.... but i have deleted it three times now and so to hell with it, i will try again tomorrow although i doubt if the message will be the same so look here for something less interesting and entertaining later...pants...

So my sister's uterus...jesus...where to begin...well, hers has always been the healthy one...the one we both planned to grow babies in because mine was the one that god found along side the street, claimed "three second rule" and just crammed inside me to "see what will happen"...

so now the sissy's uterus is trying to be JUST LIKE MINE!!  the biopsy results came back "totally strange" (doctor lingo)...so now she has to go in and have this thing called a leep-procedure.  i am certain they call it this because when you find out what they are actually going to do to you, (cut off half of your cervix--how very 1800's of us....) you leap up off the table and try to run from the room screaming.

my uterus is currently feeling sympathy for hers and thinking "hey, why does HERS get to have all the surgery?  it has been MONTHS since we have gotten to have surgery!".  I swear, if the cramps were not doubling me over in agony, i would totally stab myself right in the crotchal region just to shut the uterus up.  alas, i am stuck trying to be fetally positioned on my chair at work...

today for your reading pleasure, my friend dianne, weight watchers cheater extrodinnaire will be summarizing todays meeting wherein i discover that i im incapable of losing weight.  blah.  stupid dumb retard self deprivation nazi concentration camp diet program that DOES NOT FREAKING WORK!!

Weight Watchers Leader: So Andi, you have lost 5 pounds, and here’s your bookmark to mark the occasion!”  (Everyone claps for Andi.)  So tell us, Andi, what words of inspiration or insight do you have for us about how you lost these pounds?

 

Andi: Well I’ve been really pissed off and absolutely starving most of the time.

 

WWL: Um, well….hmmm….really, Andi?  Well, you and I need to have a chat, don’t we?  Hmmmm. We do have some new people here potentially becoming members, so I’m sure they want to hear that we’re not wanting anyone to starve, ha!  Ok, let’s see…Dianne! You too have lost 5 pounds, and here’s a bookmark for you!  (Everyone claps for Dianne.)  So tell us, Dianne, do you have any thoughts to share with us?

 

Dianne: Well I just am like, really surprised that I lost at all this past week, because I like, went to Sonic 3 times. 

 

WWL: Um, well…really?  (Laughing nervously)  What exactly did you eat there?

 

Dianne:  Um, let’s see I got a small Coke and drank half of it.  And I got an order of Cheddar Peppers With Ranch Dressing.  And what I do is, I bite off the tip of the Cheddar Pepper, and then I like, squeeze out the cheese, and then I take my thumb like this (demonstrating with an air version of Cheddar Peppers) and scrrrrrrape off the outer coating on one side, which also usually ends up scraping out half the pepper, and then I dip it *just* a little bit in the dressing, and then I eat it!

 

WWL: (As everyone’s either laughing nervously by now, or buzzing among themselves in interest in how to beat the rules at Sonic.) Well that’s certainly creative!

 

WWL begins to go on to the next celebration, but is interrupted by a member sitting on the other side of the room who leans forward in her chair and turns to face Dianne and says, “So, now  how *exactly* did you do that?  Like, did you eat the whole pepper itself?” 

 

Dianne: Well, that depends.  Usually when I scrape off the coating on one side, I end up scraping out half the pepper as well, but sometimes it’s all still there to eat! 

 

Lady on the other side of the room: So do you eat any of the cheese?

 

Dianne: When you scrape it out, some of it remains behind, so you at least get the taste of the cheese, a little…you know, enough to feel like you’ve eaten a Cheddar Pepper.  But it’s not like when you bite off the tip, stick the open end in your mouth, and like *suck* all the cheese out of it and eat that!  No, no, no…this way’s about 1/3 of the points.