Andi Pandi

i have officially stopped limiting myself to ten random thoughts...especially since it was such a challenge to come up with six last week...like sarah says: under promise, over deliver...or in my case: be late, but apologize alot...

1.  sissy visit starts on saturday...an entire week of fun stuff and hair-dos and everything and i am so freaking excited that she is staying with me...the on-time-ness i mentioned above?  not so much...

2.  we are not discussing her rotting uterus the entire time she is here...

3.  we are also not discussing the fact that i did not renew my apartment lease and am moving into the house with steve next month.  well, there may be discussion between she and i, but certainly not in the presence of my parents who are going to flip out and need xanax when they hear the news...eventually...but not this week.

4.  i am finally moving in with mr. adam stevens!!  how very exciting is this?  yes, it is very exciting.  ( i know that no one else thinks this is exciting, so i am simply WILLING it to become true)

5.  my discover card has officially hit it's limit...now time to start in on the visa card...

6.  oh that reminds me that i am going to get a little money from my insurance company..not much, but enough to get the freaking monkies off my back for a little while...they are so MEAN to me when they call! "do you KNOW that you have an outstanding balance....?"  and i always ask them the same things "you mean that wasn't all free?"...you fucking morons...of course i know that you want money...but when there is none, then you have to settle for half of that, which is still: none.  fuck off.

7.  have been bowling alot lately.  this is interesting to me.  first because i cannot physically put my body into a lunge position...second because i am not the bowling type...except...it turns out that i totally love it!  i have even gotten some x's and some slashes up on my scores!!  my high game so far is 84...which actually inspired the little foreign lady working at the counter to physically come over and demonstrate for me "how to bowl"...i couldnt bring myself to tell her i was a cripple and was physically incapable of doing what she was asking me to...so i think she thought i was just a moron or resistant to authority or something...oh and i should mention also that because of my particular situation, i wound up wearing the same khaki capri pants and green t-shirt to the bowling alley three days in a row...so now they think i own one outfit and spend all my free time in a bowling alley, insulting the sport of bowling by aiming the ball directly through my legs and closing my eyes...

8.  prissy's groomer refuses to groom her anymore unless i sedate her.  i refuse to do this.  she is cute all hyper...and that lady is just nuts.  she prolly needs the exercise of keeping up with prissy anyway...

9.  speaking of exercise, my booooty hurts from all of the squating and bowling!

10.  i am feeling simultaneously excited and dreadful about a certain event in my future (hopefully near future)...it is the strangest sensation...as soon as my heartrate increases and i think "yay something fun!" then i am like "oh god, they are all gonna kill me"...very odd.  i am trying to pass off the "they are all gonna kill me" feelings as gas.

11.  speaking of gas...whoa braums for killing me last night...my own dog left the bed...my own dog with the worst gas ever was afraid to be next to me...

12.  Prissy is now the Clan of the Cave Dog as she has taken to burrowing under the covers and making a little den for herself in the mornings (a great danger to her health, as mentioned above)...

okay you got twelve...i know i am still two short to make up for last week, but i am quite certain you will get over it, as these are actually interesting thoughts this week!!  is all about the quality people!!

My sister has long since been informed that her uterus is my back up...and as mine gets more and more pissed off and tries to crawl out of my body one layer at a time each year...you can understand my panic when i find out that hers may have cancer!

Her pap came back (for the THIRD FREAKING TIME) positive for pre-cancerous cells...So the first time was because she was a do-do head the night before her pap and the second time was because the lab was stocked with morons that day...but this time?  you got me...

They are going to do a little biopsy thingie this week...to find out the Ultimate Truth regarding her cancer-ness...

If only she had remembered sunscreen...

Just plain old black font today...Is all I am in the mood for.  Not that I am in a foul-run-for-your-life-her-second-period-this-month-is-here type of way, but just a downtrodden mess i guess...although, with my favorite cami on, so not everything is lost...

Last night I went to my favorite dinner group...I can easily say that because it is my only dinner group and for the most part, the only socialization I get outside of work-place type stuff...the people i have been thinking about for six months and chatting with and generally just loving, because they are always there and always care and make me feel loved...

Last night sucked balls.  Several things occured:

1.  I spent 50 plus dollars on gas and food just to go to this thing.

2.  I was totally left out because I have no babies.  Nor am I pregnant with babies.  Nor am I even remotely likely to become pregnant with babies (thanks alot butthole)...thus I cannot possibly have anything even remotely interesting to say or talk about or anything...unless i want to move to the other table and talk ad nauseum about Star Wars.  Can you see my delimma?  As if it is not blatant enough and painful enough for me 99% of the time to not have babies, now i get to have it smeared in my face at the one dinner that I get to look forward to every three or four months...really, really nice.

3.  My bestest friend had a headache and could not converse with me at all.  again... nice.

4.  I guess I just dont know these people anymore...I dont know what they are up to, or where they go, and I just dont have anything to talk with them about it seems.  This is so strange, because I just loved chatting with them all before?  I simply dont understand.

5.  Sigh...Now I am faced with the feeling of being left behind...All of my friends grew up, made families and left me behind on the train to adulthood.  I guess this is how it works...you move and the you make new friends...but I wasn't ready to move, and I dont want new friends...I want things to be exactly the way they were.

I am not going to anymore expensive out of town dinners.  If anyone wants to drive down here and talk about their pregnancy or their baby or their precious adult life while I sit and sulk, be my guest.

I dont know why i feel like red, but i do and i don't want to hear a damn word about it.  nor about punctuation or capitalization either....

1.  Angelina Jolie:  Lips from outer space?  Is this a case of Duwop Lip Venom gone awry?  At least she has taken to moisturizing them in her latest films...unlike "about a girl" where she just decided that the enormous cracked flakey bleeding lip thing was the way to go...

2.  Yogurt and Granola...Yoplait promised on their (highly scientific and not at all subjective) label that if i eat their yogurt i will lose more weight.  well so far i have eaten two yogurts a day WITH granola and still no weight loss...i guess it is the alternating of a bite of yogurt and an entire snickers bar...a bite of yogurt and two gas station cappacinos...

3.  Went to cartoon movie on saturday by my self...and sat behind the most adorable two year old at his first movie...he was all big eyes and full of animation himself...i loved watching him as much as i loved the movie...perhaps more...

3-b.  Can we talk about the achey vacantness of my uterus...god, why do i have to think about crap like that?  most women only think of their uterus two days a month and that is to curse it and hope it dies and i am like "protect the uterus"...i swear i was driving the other day and i had my seatbelt on kinda crookedly and i thought "oh shit, i have to fix this cause if i was in an accident, my pelvis could shatter and stab my useless uterus and THEN what would i do?"

4.  Weight Watchers....meetings wednesdays at lunch (ironical, no?)...am thinking of going to next weeks one...if i cant start losing any weight on my own, i will at least join a club with other fat people so i can feel loved...

5.  My sissy is coming to visit july 1-10.  my brother in law (bless his simple little brain) thinks it will be more fun and cheaper if they FUCKING DRIVE from arizona to oklahoma.  having driven this, i can say from experience that there is not enough ambien in the world to make this drive bearable...Plus, the cost of gas is going to eat them alive.  i found airfare totally affordably, but they would have to leave a day early and no one wants to do that....SUPPOSABLY...the rule of the day is "DO NOT SCARE THE FUCKING CRIPPLE BY TRAVELING THOUSANDS OF MILES BY CAR YOU FREAKS!!".

6.  Thursday: Lunch at Ted's!!  This is my new favorite soon-to-be-routine!!  I laughed so hard at the last lunch at Ted's that liquids actually came out of my nose...i know alot of people say that, but i was not the only one that it happened to...talking about nocturnal farting makes everyone laugh!

7.  How can i have blisters and callous on my heels when i have only been using these feet for um...six months...it isn't like babies get callous on their feet when they are two, right?  wtf is the deal here?

8.  i know alot of these are related to my weight, but seriouly, how deep does your belly button have to become before it is a hazard?  i think i am there...my belly button has reached it's maximum density....i am not kidding about the crescent roll thing either my friends...so no one should come near me with a spoon or i will scream! (and then burst open at a velocity nearing 100mph)

9.  Going to Tulsa tonight...had so many wonderful thoughts this morning of tulsa whilst i was getting ready...i really loved that city, and it loved me too...was perfect for a socialite on severence

10.  the visit with lun-day and mini-jesus is over and thank god, i never had to one get out of seeing them...they kept to themselves and left everyone alone and only harrassed gram...that woman needs to get her application in (in triplicate and .pdf) for sainthood.

Okay, it occured to me at around midnight last night, no wait, it was at three in the morning when the camel/dog had to go outside because of the three GALLONS of water she drank to spite me during the boring re-run athon i was heavily involved with...

1.  i live in an electrical forcefield wherein there is no electrical force or fields...The phone, the TIVO (short bus tivo), the modem and my printer are all on strike.  the only thing i can surmise is that they were all hit with lightening...even though i have surge protectors!  now i am officially scared to plug in my new laptop because the plug ins have fried everything else in the house save the toaster...thank god for the toast.

2.  Fool Me Twice...YOU know who you are...and I guess I just have to say that second chances are for suckas! 

3.  The Chart that No ONE could ever understand...there you have it...there is a chart in existence that i cannot possibly understand and that one of my bosses had to physically instruct me a la "now press the equals sign...".  yes.  i did go to school for seven years.  apparently it was not enough.

4.  Thank god for having all of the laundry done...and i even got to do some therapeutic ironing last night...i loooove the voluntary ironing...i even ironed my pillowcases and my sheet...so everything in my world (except my bulbus ass) is extremely flat now...

5.  loving my new hair length...looks so thick!  who in the world (except emily) knew i had this much hair?!

6.  lun-day and the christ child are visiting this city i live in and OH MY GOD if i am not terrified to even to go the mall...would love to be in the presence of the child, but cannot stand the mutha so am going to stay in hiding.

7.  i really must stop buying lipgloss...it is not helping anyone and making me poor...so unless there is lipgloss out there that is the reward for making a charitable donation (hahah, sephora actually has one and i am going to buy it right now hahah!)....

8.  has anyone ever attempted to use a KOTEX tampon?  dear god, it is like one ounce short of an entire pillow...you have to brace yourself with your leg against the bathroom door to even yank the sucka outta your body!  unlike the little tampax pearl thingies that are smooth as silk and easily discharged from the interior of your body...it is like the kotex ones are enormous and covered in vaginal velcro...i will never make this mistake again. (unless i am on a long trip and not afraid of toxic shock)

9.  i am in desperate need of some girlie time...i hope i get out of brokeness soon so that i will have some monies to buy gas to travel soon....although if that ever happens i may never return...

10.  poopface...up at three in the GODDAMNEDMORNING for pottying...i cannot stress enough how inconvenient this is for me...pyjamas and an ambien induced haze and me standing outside with one eye glued shut with allergy-eye-mucous-crap...my poor neighbors...the view they have to pay for....

If I was an Okie...these are the things I would do to prove myself...as I am NOT an Okie, you can never prove that i have done any of them...ha!

a.  Tin foil on the windows of your house because you cannot afford blinds or air conditioning (outside)...Sheets and towels hung (and by hung i mean: nailed) to the inside of the windows for the drapey-arab-chic look...

b.  I swear this is real: an upside mop tied to a young tree to stake it into the ground...as if the stake is not embarressing enough, we had to tie it to the tree with strips of plastic garbage bag...and THEN we had to roll our eyes in disbelief at the thought of duct taping the "stake" (mop) to the tree. (that would just be silly).

c.  using the silverware holder from the INSIDE of the dishwasher as a functional silverware separating system...in case i am not explaining this correctly:  remove the full-clean silverware holder from the inside of the dishwasher and simply set it in it's entirety INSIDE the cabinet.  wa-laa, instant silverware holder.

d.  not to get too harpy about there being nothing on the windows but foil and sheets and towels...but i need to point out that we have three (THREE!!) functional garden hose holder reel thingies...one out front (tan to match the dirt on the house), one out back (enormous four wheel suspension for all the "off road gardening" we do) and one in the garage...JUST IN CASE...because in the event that we never learn how to use our sprinkler system, we may need to water the entire lot every single day.  hoses: three, blinds: none.

e.  home dermabrasion system:  we have a jacuzzi bathtub with the little jet thingies, right?  each time i turn them on, no less than one entire castle worth of sand blows out onto my legs and inside my butt, "other" and "nether" regions.  i cannot get it out.  i cannot make it stop.  i have acknowledged firmer, more radiant skin on my thighs and booty.

f.  the fridge we had to buy to match the rest of the kitchen appliances has a very fancy (read: expensive) water filtration system that makes the water taste like something that includes a smidge of rubber and a splash of radioactivity.  we have another (better) cheaper water filter on the faucet...order of events:  across kitchen for glass, cross to fridge for ice (which oddly tastes perfectly normal), cross to sink for water, then ration it to yourself so you dont have to do it all over again.

home ownership is lovely if you can get past the part where you feel like a visiting stranger, and having all your things in boxes and no air conditioning (although that was resolved after only a few days thank god.) and your yard eating up your entire life...i swear i am getting a yard boy--there will be nothing desperate about THIS housewife!!