We are going to do these small today in the hopes that my little side bar thing will choose to join us on the top of the page instead of always hovering around the bottom where no one ever goes...

1.  It's Payday! yippee woo hoo!!!

2.  My new hair is so flippy and cutsie and blondie...perfect for summer!  Thanks Leesie, you are the best hair girl evah!!

3.  lost a new pretty pink pearl earring in the phoenix airport...wah!!  bought new dress though and pretty silk cami, so i think it is a wash...

4.  vacation pictures: check, fixed laptop: check, usb cable: not so much.  pictures tomorrow gang...

5.  the bottomless pit that is my stomach...WHY ARE YOU NEVER FULL?  WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS BE BEGGING FOR MORE AND MORE AND MORE?  and you wonder why we are this ginormous.

6.  still no blinds on the windows...only a problem like every single day...going to have to think about fixing this problem.

7.  fancy tv lawyer guy called to schedule a conference with me on thursday...i asked  the paralegal "is this bad news?" and she assured me that it was not...but if it is good news, why not just tell me right then?  huh? why give me two fucking days to obsess and become a xanax case about it?  this HAS to be included in pain and suffering.

8.  see's chocolates:  purchased as 20 individual chocolates, transported home in the phoenix sun and to be consumed as one solid clump of caramel, cream, nuts and crunchie things...ditto for gram's box too...sorry...damn sun.

9.  tan lines?  perhaps...or maybe it is just a dent in the fat where the swimsuit was stretched tautly over my expanding ass in the arizona sun...either way: there is a line there...i can see it!

10.  TIVO: how long does it take to get a rebate from you people?  I bought the damn thing in january you freaks!  you owe me one HUNDRED dollars!!  that is literally TENS of dollars!!  I am not to be messed with!!

Bah!  I am going on vacation today and no one, and i mean no one can stop me...All i can say is that now the official Andi Barker Medical Alert System has gone to level: RED!  All physicians between Oklahoma and Arizona are to report to their posts immediately and await further instruction!  Please have suctioning devices and casting materials on hand!!

oooh, so many precious hours of shopping and laying in the sun collecting cancer to be had!  i do not care how suspicious that mole on my shoulder looks, by god, i am gonna be in the sun, and i am gonna love it!

Oh, and the whole "i am gonna lose 12 lbs before i go on vacation" thing?  not so much.  how about:  I am gonna starve and be even moodier for two weeks, lose six pounds and then gain it all back at one evening at the theater.  (it was not the theater that made me fat, it was the company that made me nervous and made me drink more alcohol than usual that made me fat.)

Oh, and for those of you who are pilots and think you are so fancy and that women want to flash you and show you their panties as you fly overhead: Get A Fucking Grip.  The only time people care what is going over their heads is a) when it can poop and b) when it is coming straight towards you.  simple flying overhead?  not so much.

BENEFIT EYE BRIGHTENING STICK:  beauty product of the moment.  for twenty dollars your eyes can actually appear to be more open...not in a shocking hyper-thyroid sort of way, but in a refreshed, "i got more than four hours of sleep" sort of way...good stuff...Note to Benefit: feel free to send me your shit and i will try it and judge you on it.  (note to self: andi, YOU get a grip).

Monday's Random ten thoughts will be posted on tuesday and may or may not include lovely pictures of your little (ha!) albino friend laying in the arizona sun...you will know it is me because i will be reflecting all light and causing glare.

KISSES!!

Am officially declaring the end of my sweet feminine hands...they were once sooo beauuuutiful and delicate and are now the home of blisters and dirt...dirt embedded blisters...

washed two cars today (neither mine...wah.)  also planted flowers with my actual hands, as we "...have no hand held implements"...interesting...

interior of house: 87 degrees.  exterior of house: 75 degrees.  options:  sit in house with all doors and windows open and let every flying object in space into the house (which i will have to track down and kill)...close all doors and pretend to be staying at upperclass spa with fancy eucalyptus steam room...or whine and act put-upon...i think we can all see the winner here.

tomorrow: plant flowers (with hands, of course)...wash own car and beg to go to a cool theater....cool not because there is not a line of star wars geeks outside, but cool because they have functional air conditioning...

New House: no air conditioning and no sprinkler system....i think the house is winning.

Last week a fairie with sparkly wings sailed into my office and told me that we were going on a work related vacation to a sweet little ski-village and staying at a spa for the conference.  Snap to me laying in a steamy sauna with drapey white towels all around me and magical mascara staying on my eyes even through the penetration of 200% humidity...sipping on mimosas and eating freshly peeled grapes...so dreamy right?

Now...snap to me riding in a car with three other full grown adults and all of our luggage, laptops and pillows.  Snap to me in the backseat, pea-green and vomiting into my pillowcase on a TEN HOUR drive (do i need to remind you how i feel about cars and road-travel in general right now?  even the three people we will encounter on the road are a threat to my new $165k legs) through the desolate wasteland that is Western Kansas.  Then, even when we get there, we are talking three grown women with ONE (eeeeeeek!) bathroom, two beds and a pull out couch...

Any visits to the actual spa area would be wasted after the ten hour drive there and the ten hour drive back accompanied by four nights on a pull out sofa...no better way to UNDO a 90 minute massage than to try to sleep with a steel bar across your back, eh?

Why is there always a reality check at the end of my happiness?

Good Morning my Lovlies!!  I have nothing to really say at all...so I am going to tell you the first ten things that come to mind.

1.  Oh my strange dream about the guy with the 70's Monte Carlo who took me away from my high school play and to an Amish (?) Liquor Store....hmmm....those are the only PG details about the dream...but i woke up with a rosy glow!

2.  TEN days until I am a lady of leisure in phoenix!! 

3.  I have got to get away from my gangsta neighbor who always wears red t-shirts and has lots of visitors in the evenings....street pharmacist?

4.  today is a day for buying flowers and i intend to do just that...

5.  wait a sec, i am totally ramen-noodle-eatin, at-home-hair-colorin, waiting to see if anyone will cater lunch, gas syphening BROKE!!  nevermind on the flowers...but i may just go PICK some from somewhere...

6.  i miss my friend matt today.  i think it is because he and i have the exact same glasses.

7.  I ordered room service for my parents today at the venetian and they called to thank me and told me about what they got and i was like, uh for sixty dollars, you better have gotten your hot stuff also...and i called the room service person back and read them the riot act and told them they had better get an english speaking person on the phone pronto and that they were incompetent and blah blah blah...then my mother realizes that there is a heating unit under the freaking tray-cart thingie and waaah-la, there is all their breakfast...i had to call the spanish lady back and apologize. and now i wish i could go hide under my bed.

8.  i dont care how unclassy it is...i LOVE gas station crappacinos and i am going to have to get one of those machines installed in my house.

9.  i do NOT want to discuss the house. ever. anymore.  as melissa would stay "dang stupid house".

10.  carrie, you are a bad mamba jamba!!

oooh, how i wish i had something interesting to say...but i don't.  i have spent the last three nights holed up in my house and happy as a clam to be so.  my laundry is done, my house is clean (relatively...) and my feeeeeelings are not hurting at present.

am down to13.5 days until i go to phoenix...a much needed vacation i think...

I have returned to the green font, I guess I am done being all red and angry.

Last night, as I was cleaning and helping pack boxes etc, I was thinking to myself:  I CANNOT WAIT TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW!!  If you know me, then you know that a. I am not a morning person thus b.  i am not ever excited to get up early in the morning and go anywhere, much less work...So...this is an indicator of how much things in your normal life have to suck to make something like work the Most Funnest place you will visit.

I cannot seem to figure out how Adult ADD has gone un-recognized as a potentially fatal disease in our society, especially since I want to assassinate the people who have it.

1.  the moron who works with me:  randomly stops by my office and throws things at me...asks me how i am and then while i am talking tries to throw things at my face, down my blouse, and around my person in general.  Do I look like i need a good battering with ice or trail-mix?  I did not realize that I was putting off that sort of vibe.  clearly this is my fault: get medicated you butthole.

2.  my old neighbor.  I dont think i really need to explain this one because i start to feel worn out just thinking about it.  Each time she took a breath she said something entirely unrelated to the previous nineteen things she had said. (which were all about HER, and never related to anyone entirely unrelated to her)

3.  Oprah:  she does not even let her guests say an entire phrase before she cuts in with her own (expert) opinion and then goes to commercial.  I am waiting anxiously for someone to come across the arm rest and just bludgeon her until she lets them finish a thought.  Dr. Phil had to get his own show just so he could have a chance to talk.

4.  poop-face the dog: although she may not really be adult add, because technically she is a teenager now, but seriously, how can she be physically IN the car going for a "ride in the car" and then get overly excited if i mention riding in the car again?  she is so excited for the NEXT ride in the car, that she is fully missing the current ride in the car experience.

5.  George W.  God love him...I really am not sure he has any measureable attention span what so ever.  you can see him at press conferences and he is clearly thinking about bacon double cheese burgers or getting to "ride in the car".

Oh Holy Shit.  I made the monumental mistake last night of steping on a scale.  It would have been more effective for someone to simply kill a puppy right in front of me...the depressive episode was the same...

I am in my biggest big girl clothes and am so disgusted with my wheel-chair booty that I can barely tolerate myself.  You know you are truly getting too fat when you think to yourself "my underwaear are going to actually cut through the fat on my hips and strangle my pelvis".  I have likened this effect to a can of pillsbury crescent rolls...when I take my clothes off at night, it is like the can popping open and the dough (my fat ass) oooozing all over the place...  MY PANTIES ARE KILLING ME!!!

I dreaded having a work meeting for lunch today because I (literally, no exaggeration here...) cannot fit into any of my cutsie pie little tiny work-type clothes...It is so disgusting...My mother's remedy is to go buy the tightest pantyhose available and just wear then under everything...This makes me want to simultaneously kill her and myself...

Not only that, but my face is enormous...It is like there is no where left for the fat on my ass to spread to, ad now it is going into my cheeks and my neck and my multipying chins...God forbid I get pregnant at this juncture because i would end up weighing over 200 lbs.

This now means that I must faithfully return to the gym...even though that proved to be utterly useless also, at least I can say that I am going and then when I go to the doctor begging for obesity drugs, they won't give me SUCH a ration of crap as usual.

You know Kirstie Alley?  Yeah, well I am getting to know her on an entirely personal level now...I am going to soon find myself thinking "oooh, what a lovely moo-moo she is wearing on her show today, I wonder where I can buy that much material in such a bright and obnoxious color?"

My response to the depressive incident last night was to bake a double batch of chocolate chip cookies...and eat the raw dough off my fingers...and maybe cry a smidge...and then eat some more cookies...but I am better now...

Send me your favorite moo-moo patterns girls...

Today is the first day of my friend Carrie's thirties!!  Can you believe it?!  I certainly cannot...I thought you were narry a day over 29...ha!  In honor of your special day, I am going to make a list of things that I think of when I think of you:

1.  Your face when I walked in with a "stolen" baby.

2.  Laughing with you at Arnie's until my sides literally hurt at Em and Greg's wedding! ha! (you are still totally hysterical to me!)

3.  Awww...the day we made Noelle's quilt together and oh, the day before when we spent altogether toooo much time trying to decide on colors! ha!

4.  Making three fruit tarts for your birthday last year because each one kept turning out shitter than the first...

5.  Your cute, perky flippy hair  (especially now that it is back! yay for perkiness!)

6.  EVERYTIME I see an emerald I automatically think of you.

7.  Ants crawling up the wall at BBD while we ate breakfast...actually, i ate breakfast and you almost always had a burger...ALWAYS though we had a great time...even the day I got sacked from my stupid job...still fun!! (even with the Bell's Palsy on my face that made me only smile halfway! ha!)

8.  Calling you from the Houston airport  with Mr. H. standing nearby...I PROMISE we were not having an affair ahhaha!

9.  I always think of you swinging Colby around over the Priss and him laughing so hard I thought he was going to stroke out!  That was so much fun!  Even if he was a stolen baby! ha!

10.  Finally,  I always think of you when I eat at Pei Wei, because it sorta sounds like Tei Kei and THAT is where you like to eat best! yay for potstickers!

You are a sweetie carrie, and I cannot imagine my world without you in it...have a super day!

love,

a.