VA Hospital and full body autoclave
Today I had to go over to the VA hospital and visit my uncle. Who has been checked in there since freaking MONDAY and never bothered to tell anyone for fear that someone may...du du DU...visit him? gah! So I rifled through my desk gathering up mints and candies and tea bags (thanks for the contribution!) and a newspaper and skipped over to "experience" the VA.
OOOH the VA...I walked into the building and got a face full of that hot, moist, germy hospital air and it made me feel like I was in the center of a mircobial tornado. Luckily though, I blend over there quite nicely (ha.) with my crazy little limp (I am calling it a saunter now). Everyone over there has a limp and a cane or a chair or something...some sort of assisted traveling device. I should point out however that i do NOT blend at the VA whatsoever. I am approximately 50 years younger than the facility average, am not hacking anything up, do not smell like urine, and seem to lack a flair for subtlety.
So the ward was closed because visiting hours dont start until 11. Clearly though they did not realize that I am Andi, and I do not need your stinkin rules. So as soon as some unsuspecting resident left the hallway, i grabbed the door, winked to the other people waiting there (See ya Suckas!) and sashayed my little hiney down that hallway...doors with locks make me crazy.
There are rooms in that hall with very alarming blatant signage: Respiratory Confinement, Glove, Mask and Gown required. I do not claim to be a genius, but did it occur to them that the bacterias that we are afraid of in that room, may or may not have become smart enough to simply go under the door through the two inch opening between the door and the floor? I am just wondering...because these particular bacterias may be the type ( like me ) that do not prefer to wait behind locked doors...just a hunch.
I want to know what governmental agency I must write to to find out the official legislative definition of a pillow. It was embarressing to me the condition of the pillows in these rooms. You simply could NOT suffocate anyone with something so thin and stupid looking. It would be embarressing to sneak in there, hold the little flimsy pillow over someone's face until they stop flopping around and then take it off only to realize that they are alive and well and just fell asleep because they are able to actually functionally breathe through the pillow...
This is my idea. Upon exiting the VA i was acutely aware that I had something similar to a film all over my entire body that was actively carrying disease within it...thus i am a petrie dish. I lathered myself with that antibacterial gel stuff, but then all i could think about was that NOW there are little dead bacteria corpses all over my body because, as you know, there is no "rinse" function to the antibacterial gel...This is my thought: as you exit the doors of the VA, they need a full body laser scan that physically removes the germs from you and releases you into the world cleaner and healthier than when you were in. Anyone see Finding Nemo? When the fish tank gets the new cleaning system...THIS is what i am talking about...
Why, you are wondering, is my little pooch a poop-face? Because after two successful (ha.) years of potty training, I came home to poop on the floor yesterday. TWO YEARS...I know "special" kids that have caught on faster than that! So I picked up said poop and put it right in her face and she acted all indignant and then raced around the house saying "hahaha! I got you soooo good!"
