Andi Pandi

In the event that you find yourself engaged to me (this is hypothetical, i swear...i would never dream of airing out my relationship drama on The Internet) and you aren't sure what my major personality traits are, here is an unabridged listing for you:

1.  I like to sleep.  There are very few things (clearance sales, work and my bladder) that will get me out of bed early.  If i do happen to get out of bed early, you should consider yourself blessed and go about your day in a very sensitive manner towards me, as I am likely to become easily tired and cranky.

2.  I was confirmed catholic.  Right now I am not a very good catholic, but I do try to live my life in a manner that is kind to all people...buddists, gay people, east indians...I tend to love all people and I only start to hate them when they piss me off.  I am an equal opportunity bitch.  You are not ever going to convince me to hate an entire cohort of people.  stop trying.

3.  I shop. It is not because I am shallow with nothing better to do with my time or money.  It is because I see it as a form of exercise (speed walking) and education (I can calculate every percentage off within seconds) and it gives me time to meditate and ponder the parts of the universe I dont understand, such as why I sometimes don't understand my fiance's sense of humor, or lack thereof, and why mom's use strollers as bull dozers to clear paths instead of drive kids around.

4.  I have a constant obsession about my weight, but I continue to eat like shit.  I know this.  I am going to try to be better at this, really...On my own schedule.  The same way i quit smoking: on my own schedule.

5.  I consider myself a scientist.  There are very few things that I take for fact without conclusive evidence of their truth.  God is one of them, I dont need any proof there. Cellular differentiation is another...why DO some cells become liver and some become fingernail?  is a total mystery to me.

6.  I love the movies.  I go to be entertained.  I go to forget how shitty my life is, and when I am most upset, you will most likely find me there.  I find that caring about someone else's problems for two hours is a nice hiatus for my brain and usually a sure cure for my tension headaches.

7.  There is always money for vegas.  No matter how broke I have been, there has always been a reserve of money for vegas.  This is because people give me money as a gift and I am certain that had they bought a gift it would be something to do with travel or vegas.  so all of the gift-money goes into the vegas fund and when there is enough: I go.  I go there to feel pretty, show a little skin, feel the sun on my hair, drink a little too much, shop at different stores (thus pondering different concepts, see above), and to blend.  Everyone in vegas is a visitor, so i get no odd looks, because I am just as strange as everyone else there.

8.  I am a mom.  In my soul, I am a mom and when I care deeply about someone I will mom them...you know, ask them to call and check in when they drive through an ice storm, advise them on the wonders of pharmaceuticals, and sometimes cry with them when they are hurting.  I have to be a mom.  It has been coming on for a while, but right now it is in it's prime.

9.  I think stuff should be fun.  If it is not fun, then I am going to question why we are doing it.  Work: not always fun, buuuut, it pays bills, so I guess we do it.  Shots: hurt, buuuut, keeps us healthy--or in my case, hurts, but still makes me sick.  Either way i am gonna do it, and whine about it.  My sissy understands this, and she always makes shit fun.  Even being in the hospital last year was fun (well, kinda fun...) because she was there to "wash" my hair or badger the nurses for ginger ale.  and oh! what about those loser nurses that let my catheter bag thingie fill up too much and make me hurt?  yeah, elise gave them hell too.

So this is the 101 version of my personality... There is more, dont assume that my entire persona could be summed up in a blog...but none of these things should suprise you now, if they should come up in the future.  CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.

Here are some things to think about...if you want to be like me...

1.  Do NOT EVER think about seeing The Family Stone.  It pushed the limits of my antidepressant medication and caused me to go directly to Target and spend money until i forgot that the mom dies in the end.  Total shitty downer of a holiday movie.

2.  Evolution:  it is TOO a possibility.  It could totally happen.  Creation is another option too...Either one could have potentially happened, there is really no proof of either one, or against either one and I intend to maintain my position that EITHER FUCKING ONE COULD HAVE HAPPENED YOU DUMBASS. 

3.  New Years Resolutions: Cry less, complain about health less and lose those damn 20 lbs i am lugging around in my ass...thighs....gut....ankles....shit, it is just damn near everywhere.

4.  I can't find anything to spend these damn gift cards on!  Everything sucks right now and I dont want any of it...i guess christmas will happen in march for me! ha!

5.    I can hear the chimes and glittering lights of Vegas calling my name....I think my 29th may have to be there!

6.  I am teaching knitting in January to the nice ladies at work...ha!  I am starting my very own baby-bootie sweat shop and they don't suspect a damn thing!

I guess that is really all i am thinking about at the moment...not too exciting I guess, but after the downward spiral that movie put me into, I am suprised that I am able to get anything done!

I am going to have to be brief because there are cookies to be eaten and gift cards to be redeemed! yay!

I hope you all had a very loving Christmas with your families!

I went to church!  I actually went inside of a church and stayed for over an hour!  It's a baby jesus miracle!!  It was a sad little tiny church with the most horrific singing in the world, but I was there and it is official and now I can check that one off until next year hurrah!

Yes, I got the watch!  It is lovely and it reminds me that I keep meaning to do a blog-listing of the 100 reasons I have actually been late to work before...because some of them are just dang good and others are so unbelievable that you should have the privilege of trying them out on your boss...just to see what happens.

My mother succumbed to the madness and served cranberries from a can (as God intended)...It was awesome!  I love how the can-ridges give you a slicing guideline!  I think the wisemen really brought gold, frankensense and canned cranberries...not myhrr...what the hell is that anyway? mer. latin for cranberry?

I am off to hit the sales!  Shoes! Purses! Excitement Poo!!

I watched some of the Music awards last night.  Mariah Carey: Go out and get yerself a little Jenny Craig contract there girlie!!  I bet you heard those jeans sigh when you took (peeled) them off!  Wow, nothing like a little snottiness to start out the day, eh?

So I was remembering when I was a little girl and thought I would someday be accepting an award somewhere for something and I would invent my acceptance speech.  The best part was that I would purposly say snotty things to the people that were hurting me that day:

I would like to thank the Smithsonian for including my formulas in their new mathematics display. Especially since my trig teacher  Mr. Metts said i was "not very good at math"...So Thank you to everyone but Mr. Metts!!

I would like to thank The Academy for nominating me for Best Female Performer in a Musical and I would like for Amy Lindeman to see me holding this little statue because she is not a very good actress and the only reason she got the part in Grease is because she slept with everyone.

As the only Supreme Court Justice of the United States with absolutely NO legal experience whatsoever except that restraining order I had this one time, I want to thank the President for entrusting all this power to me because I am only going to put real criminals in jail, not just because they were mean to me in high school but because these are the type of people who are mean to everyone!

So, yes, I suppose I have grown because I no longer compose these little speeches in my head.  Perhaps though it is only because I no longer believe I am going to be winning any awards anytime soon?

In other news: I am still on BabyWatch 2005.  The report is this: still no babies for me.  I know that everyone is tired of hearing about it by now, but at Christmas time when everything is about Santa and presents and JESUS (the most important baby, right?) and everyone is sending pictures of their babies and I STILL FREAKING HAVE NONE PEOPLE?! 

Angelina Jolie did the reverse family thing...adopted her babies first and then found a sucker to help her take care of them...oh wait...she has like millions of dollars for nannies and airplanes and stuff...DAMN ANGELINA JOLIE!

There is this lady who lives across the hall from me and she is in her late thirties and has a cat and is so crabby and mean all the time.  She never says hi when she waddles by or stops to pet my dog if we are outside...Clearly she is mentally retarded, but I fear ending up like her.

All through high school and college mom would update us on our old babysitter: Michelle T.  She was apparently in love with the Wrong Guy.  And he kept her hanging on forever and all she ever wanted to do was have some kids of her own so she could finally stop babysitting everyone else's...and I used to be so snotty about it "god, i am never going to end up like michelle!  she is so desperate and pathetic and why doesnt she dump that guy?!"

So here I am: Andi-Michelle...I should just go have it legally changed.

Blah blah merry christmas blah blah.