Andi Pandi

So, last weekend, not this weekend, well the weekend that was nine days ago, not the weekend that was two days ago...anyway, that weekend...I went to see my big, stupid, moron, teeth-that-look-like-chicklets, tv lawyer that I hate.  While I was up there, several fun, or even INTERESTING things happened that can ONLY happen when you are visiting the Ozarks...

1. There is a new weather girl on the channel my parents watch and she was shaking like a leaf and kept repeating something about "so it will be cooler and then warmer"...like she was rainman or something...so they cut to the anchor woman: Lisa Rose--the only anchor woman on tv who wears suits that are too small and the buttons pull apart, but i will admit, does have a very pretty face...needs to lose about a 100lbs, but pretty face none-the-less (as an aside, i think that the people that are telling you about atrocities like rape and murder and children boiled down for crystal meth ought to look as aesthetically pleasing as possible...the same way as flight attendants should not look like the devil because well, if you are going to die, who wants a screaming obese woman burned as the last image in their brain?  Apparently not ALL airlines have gotten my memo about this...ahem...southwest...)  ANYWAY...So anchor woman tries to save the day and says to anchor man (who looks like Lurch) "So, I heard that Colorado already got snow this year" and Lurch says "Really? How much?!?" and she says (this is totally real and not even a little made up) "I heard nine or even SEVEN inches"...I have laughed about this for nine (or even SEVEN) days now...

2.  We had fun calling some girl at five in the morning because she called my cell phone TWICE at THREE in the morning on friday night and when i called her at ten the next morning she said "OOOIIIGAWD, I must have dialed the wrong number, uuuuh, sorry ahhaha"...so i set an alarm and woke up at five (if you know me, you know that this was some serious revenge) and called her like six times in a row and just let it ring and ring and ring...take that you tulsa-resident, valley-wannabe-bitch!!

3.  my lawyer finally paid my medical bills with the money he got from MY OWN FUCKING INSURANCE COMPANY...The fucker got the check from MY INSURER in AUGUST and on November 4th finally got around to cutting checks to get the damn fuck-monkeys off my back about collections...so now, i am out of medical bill-hell!!  We are still suing for money from Dead Guy's Estate, but it will apparently take years etc...more later on that...the key here is to note that my laywer actually did WORK and it was not even a full moon or anything.

4.  I got a little teensy kick back check from my insurance company--very teensy mind you and planned to spend a couple hundred dollars buying myself something nice and WOULDN'T YOU FREAKING KNOW?  i can't find a damn thing?  So, internet, send me your suggestions...what would you buy with about 200 dollars?  maybe even three hundred?  I think I can even be persuaded to give YOU a kick-back if you come up with a winning idea...be specific though because i have already looked at every shoe and purse in the OKC metro and don't like any!!

happy shopping!

Here is what I ate yesterday:

• Granola Bar
• Candy Corn
• Wendy's Chicken Nuggets
• Chili (also Wendy's)
• Weight Watchers Lemon Cake Thingie (see?! DIET food!)
• Cheerios w/ Milk and Honey (Honey is waaaay better than sugar, right?)
• Celery with Peanut Butter (REDUCED FAT JIF people!!)
• Vanilla Pudding (j-e-l-l-o?)
• Random piece of candy (hmmm...not a very lasting memory because then i ate:
• 10 m&m's
• and finally 10 smokehouse almonds.

As you can see, I have substituted REGULAR cake with WEIGHT WATCHERS CAKE!  And also, HONEY for granular sugar!!  Why, oh why i ask you is the weight not coming off?  Could it be that in the land of weight watchers i am supposed to eat 20 points and this amounted to like 28?  Or could it be than not a single of these foods was what a normal person would call a "vegetable"?

What I want to know is this:  My aunt in Houston used to go to McDonalds and get a double quarter pounder with cheese, throw the bun out the window of the (speeding) vehicle, eat the greasy meat with cheese and SHE FUCKING LOST WEIGHT DOING THIS!!??

The new goal is this: -8 lbs by christmas, but I will accept -6, or even -5...I am flexible...no i'm not...my panties are killing me!  it is like they are preventing me from breathing!  SUFFOCATION BY PANTIES!!

Because of all of your demanding emails/posts/phone calls etc (all both of you)...I will tell you the story of the Man that IS Fun Bobby.

He is apparently my second cousin.  My mother's cousin.  My Gram's Nephew.  And his wife is MaryJo...and they are from Minnesooooooota. (you have to say it just like that...soooooooota).  They are just the cutest little couple ever...Very friendly and full of energy and information and like their BEER!!  (although I have to ask: is michelob ultra really beer?)

So, here they are: Fun Bobby and Mrs. MaryJo Fun Bobby:

Isn't this the face of fun-ness?  So we talked about all sorts of things like their son (my third cousin) who is a teacher, the daughter who works at best (worst) buy and the other son who is building a condo in THE twin cities...

And now: BONUS CRAPPY MATERIAL!!

Just because I have a little spare time, I am going to tell you what came up when I Typed "Andi Needs" into Google:

1. To add some functionality that will fall out of the 0.5 time frame. (Well of course, who doesn't need some added functionality?)

2.  The purse, Andi needs to buy this! (Clearly the internet knows me too well)

3.  To see Mardi Gras (I can check this one and "snorkeling" off at the same exact time!!)

4.  Help to cope. (well: no. shit.  THUS the drugs and THUS the entire pharmaceutical universe that I am SINGLE HANDEDLY funding)

5.  To get some confidence.(again: no brainer here...who else seconds guesses their socks, their teeth whiteness and their boobs this much?)

6.  a new car and high speed internet access. (er, internet: I think you are a year behind)

7.  space with someone whom she has a seemingly happy relationship. (ahem...check.)

8.  to keep her smart remarks out of mah business since she has nothing to do with H3 or mah. (okay, i have several things to say here...the redneck that thinks that the posessive pronoun "my", is spelled MAH has got serious problems...also, she is a  dumbass that labels her husband as H1, H2 and H3...no confusion there...plus, i MAY have something to do with both you and H3, and you just don't know...I guess i will just keep it to MAH self.)

9.  to come in for observation right away. (bahahaha!!  what are you observing?  the rapid multiplication of fat cells? the blood levels of various sedatives? whether or not the hairs on my toes will indeed grow out over my toenails?)

10.  to start screaming, like seriously cataclysmic "fuck the end of the world is nigh". (this is my favorite, because the word cataclysmic is awesome, but also because the person who wrote this did not realize that they need to ad the -LY to the end and make it an adverb: cataclysmically...although they did somehow figure it out with the "serious" right before it.  Also, it is my favorite because WHAT does it mean for something to be nigh?  is that like near?  do you think there are alot of people living in the astrodome going around saying that the end of the world is "nigh"?  i beg someone to correct me...)

this is my mom, and me...and me without any blush, but totally not even sick at all...just pale.  very. very. pale.